Avant-Garde (vaguelyaware) wrote,
Avant-Garde
vaguelyaware

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To a long road ahead...

Have you ever got into a train of thought that you just can't get out of, and as time passes you find that everything leads to one specific subject? I know, I know that was pretty vague.

The thing is recently, I've discovered something horrible about myself through something that happened to a friend of mine. In high school I had a ton of friends, but only a select few were my closest.

Some, I hung out with all the time, others I didn't but that didn't mean we weren't friends we just had different groups in high school. Nontheless we were best of friends, three of which I even innitiation a stupid vow that would bond us. We all have scars from it, physical not emotional. Dont be weird.

Well, as life would have it we graduated and even though we said we would meet up throughout the years, we never did. We lost touch and we became strangers to one another and had awkward encounters at other people's parties. One of the three, the most eccentric and perhaps annoying of the bunch, got a hold of me and we got to talking and I found out from him that he developed a potentially fatal disease that was latently detected and now is just waiting about...

It really hurt me to hear him tell me. I mean, how distant did we become that three-four years later, I find one of my best friends has cancer? It just doesn't make sence to me. And I got to thinking how distant I've become myself, not only with my closest friends throughout the years, but with myself personally.

I know I haven't had the most horific life, but the worst things that ever happened to me did merrit some sort of sadness or simply some tears, but I realized that after each thing that happened I would get sad for what seemed like a milisecond and then block it out of my system. I don't let myself experience any sort of sadness for any prolonged period of time. Even when the person I loved, or thought I loved, hurt me to the point of depression. I cried, but not too long. Its not that I try to grow from it and become stronger, I just let it boil up inside and not show any sort of emotion.

I don't like the fact that over the course of the past 5 or so years, I've become so emotionally absesnt and selectively sad. I've turned into such a pessemist and cynic that it just frightens me what ever caused this is the first place. Pretty selfish, don't you think. I took a friends pain and illness and created my own from it, seperate and completely devised out of my own self pitty. I'm trying not to get too melodramatic with this, because I know that I do tend to get that way. Ironically. But, its not that my exaggeratios merrit any sort of profound distraught, its pure vain self pitty. Nothing to profound.

I just don't know any more. Everything I think about now leads me to think about how I've become, and how I react to everything. And how I could potentially act towards something. How will I react to loosing a friend, a newly beloved pet, a family member, a lover? I cringe to think that I wont even shed a tear and fade into obscurity and end up a stoic sufferer with a nearly empty glass of congac and an empty soul....

Damn this is way too weird to even type. I'm going to read, that'll take my mind off of this and whatever else, at least until the pages end.

Sorry.
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